The Death Eater Blogs
by Queen of Duct Tape
Summary: The Death Eaters now each have their own blog, mostly to complain about the havoc I create in their lives. May contain references to the Death Eater Files. It is, as with the Files, always technically complete, but I WILL be adding more.
1. Chapter 1

**The Death Eater Blogs**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: Do you know, I used to own Harry Potter, but then I woke up and realized I had slept through most of Chemistry.

**DarkLord's Web Log**

**Mood: **pissed off  
**Listening to: **Wormtail's screams  
**Reading: **So You Want to Be an Evil Dictator  
**Eating: **jam-less toast  
**Drinking: **Elixir of Life

**Entry: Failed Raid**

So last night we went on a perfectly normal, routine raid. You know, destroy a few houses, kill a couple of muggles, that sort of thing.

And then, of course, _someone_ just had to screw it up.

It was not, for once, Wormtail, but rather Nott this time. He mixed up our directions, and so instead of murdering that accountant relative of the blood traitor Weasleys, we tortured our jam supplier into insanity.

I am having a very difficult time finding a suitable replacement to stock our cupboards here at Headquarters, and no one else has made any effort to help me. Under normal circumstances, I would order a few minions to bring me samples from every jam seller within a fifty mile radius, but that is not currently possible, due to the state of our finances.

Right now we are pressed for funds because of new banking policies regarding extortion, blackmail, and honest thievery.

You see, when our bank was first founded, it was commonplace to go about acquiring wealth in this manner, and so no restrictions were imposed. Eventually, people stopped doing this, and there were still no rules put in place because they had no problems with people abusing the system.

When the Death Eaters were just beginning, I read the bank's guidelines and policies in detail, and then took great pride in exploiting the loopholes. The administration has recently noticed our decidedly old-fashioned methods of fundraising, and now they have added more regulations to prevent it, and as such our funds are suffering.

And so we do not have enough money for me to write off the jam sales as a business expense and pay my Eaters for their efforts, though I am tempted to send Nott out anyway and make him fork out the cash as punishment for ruining our raid.

This is after all, all his fault.

**7 comments**

**bellatricks: **I think you should do it, milord. Make him suffer as we're suffering w/o jam.

**sEnTiEnTtOnGuE: **You forget, my dear Dark Lord Voldie-shorts, that you were the one who originally dictated the directions to Nott.  
**1 reply  
DarkLord: **Crouch, I am your overlord. DO NOT address me as informally and disrespectfully as that.

**strawberryjamluver: **Milord, I truly did not mean for us to arrive at the jam man's house. Please have mercy and don't Crucio me too harshly?

**vainname: **You know, milord, that last curse you used on our dear jam supplier was very inventive. Teach it to me?

**PotionsMaster: **I really can't believe you forced all of us to get these atrocious…blogs, milord. And as I have been telling you, the jam made by our house elves is quite adequate.  
**1 reply**  
** DarkLord:** IT IS NOT, SEVERUS!!!!1

* * *

Well, I hope you enjoyed it! Please note that all Death Eaters will eventually have their own blog entries. 

Anyway, incentive for reviews: I've never had a contest before, but I think I want to try one, so everyone who can successfully identify ALL of the usernames of the Death Eaters mentioned in this chapter gets to suggest a blog idea for the Death Eater of their choice!

Even if you don't want to participate, please review! Feedback is love!


	2. Chapter 2

**The Death Eater Blogs**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**GoodGrammarIsHot's Web Log**

**Mood: **contemplative  
**Listening to:** Boléro  
**Reading:** Eats, Shoots, and Leaves  
**Eating:** homemade jam that could quite possible kill me  
**Drinking:** water

**Entry: Undereducated**

Since these are rather like journals to express ourselves, I thought perhaps that this could be an opportunity to address some issue that I feel are not being properly handled here at Headquarters.

First and foremost, education.

I feel that the Death Eaters are not appropriately educated. Before you all hex me senseless in a puerile attempt to prove to me that you are, indeed, perfectly intelligent, hear me out. We are only educated in a plethora of extensive, extremely dangerous curses. This is because that is all our dear Dark Lord (with all due respect, milord) cares about, and our minds are suffering for it.

I know that our purpose is to eradicate the planet of impure blood, but I fear that we are allowing ourselves to become savages in the process.

We (a loose term here describing the majority of the Death Eaters, not all of us all the time) know nothing of anything outside our bloodlines. We know nothing of Muggle history, or even its effect on our own history. We know nothing of the arts. I doubt that more than a handful of us have ever even heard of Mozart, Da Vinci, Dickens, Ravel, Rembrandt, Michelangelo, Beethoven, or Chaucer.

Recently I have been attempting to help remedy this situation by offering history courses on Thursday afternoons. I thought that if this information were coming from another Death Eater, an equal, the others might pay marginally more attention than they did to Professor Binns.

Unfortunately, only seven people showed up for the first class, and only one of those took any notes of a useful kind, or bothered to show up for the second session, which was supposed to be quite interesting, covering the Hundred Years War. Since only one person came, I gave up and that was our last lesson.

Then, I thought that perhaps an independent study might help us to improve our minds, so I gave everyone copies of Fyodor Dostoevsky's _Crime and Punishment _and George Orwell's _1984_ that I paid for out of my own pocket. I gave up on this venture when I discovered that the books were actually being used as bait to keep Nagini from nipping at people's toes.

Then, I tried playing classical music in the living for everyone to hear, but this plan was soon thwarted when Barty planted bombs in my CD collection.

So, I give up. If everyone else aspires to be uneducated swine, it's not my problem.

But if you use a single comma splice in your blogs, I swear I'll murder you in your sleep.

And, Nott, I don't blame you for leading us to the jam supplier's house. It's not your fault that even our own Dark Lord can't tell left from right.

**11 comments**

**stilettos4EVAH: **if your saying i'm stupid, you can just consider yourself OUT of my cooking club!!!!!1!!  
**1 reply  
GoodGrammarIsHot: **Since when am I in your cooking club?

**wormtail76: **not my fault your class was bloody boring

**DarkLord: **Are you questioning the way I run my organization, minion?  
**1 reply  
GoodGrammarIsHot: **Of course not, milord. I was just stating that perhaps a few of your members are lacking in some areas of intelligence.

**strawberryjamluver: **I'm glad that SOMEBODY agrees with me. Everyone else is glaring daggers whenever I get within five feet of their presence.  
**2 replies  
GoodGrammarIsHot: **Well, you were merely the navigator. You weren't the one who mixed up the directions.  
**DarkLord: **Are you implying that my sense of direction is inferior to yours, lower life form?  
**1 reply  
strawberryjamluver: **Of course not, milord. I would never dream of saying such a grievous untruth.

**sEnTiEnTtOnGuE: **I fail to see how the misfortunes of Raskolnikov are relevant to our life here at Headquarters, and if you think that Winston's reality is possible, be glad that the Dark Lord didn't read those books and only knows what odd snippets Nagini tells him on occasion. Also, you can't expect us to recognize Ravel's music when you don't even play his most famous piece and only put Alborada del Gracioso on repeat. And besides, I had to test my new formula somewhere, and I didn't think Greyback's rosebushes were an appropriate place.  
**1 reply  
azkabanescapee: **What the hell are you going on about?

* * *

Thanks for reading! The contest is still open, and will be until all of the screen names of all of the Death Eaters that I'm using have been revealed. So anyone who can successfully identify seven Death Eaters can suggest a blog for the Death Eater of their choice. 

Even if you don't want to participate, if you took the time to read this, you can take the time to review it! It'll only take a grand total of ten seconds, I promise. Unless you type too slowly. Then, all bets are off.

Until next time,

the Queen of Duct Tape


	3. Chapter 3

**The Death Eater Blogs**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: I don't own any stilettos, let alone the entire DSW chain. Nor do I have the faintest idea if they even have DSWs in England. Any Brits, feel free to correct me, but I've never been there so I don't know.

NOTE: This blog written for **free-birds fly at midnight**, who requested one from Lucius after his stilettos were lost in the tragic fire at Headquarters. So this one's for you.

**stilettos4EVAH's Web Log**

**Mood: **depressed  
**Listening to:** a fire crackle and burn  
**Reading:** shoe catalogs  
**Eating: **marshmallows  
**Drinking: **something alcoholic

**Entry: The Fire is NOT Delightful**

I am in mourning.

As I am sure you all know, our Headquarters have recently burned to the ground. I realize that we all lost a great deal, and I understand that Gibbon was quite distraught to see all of his hair care products go. I sympathize. But I believe that I have lost something so dear to me that my grief eclipses all of yours ten times over. I have lost…

My shoe collection.

And I would like to remind you that I did not have just _any_ shoe collection ― oh, no. I have lost all of my STILETTO HEELS in a fire that wouldn't even have HAPPENED were it not for some TRICK CANDLES provided by a couple of WEASLEYS, who don't like milord anyway.

I am not happy.

In fact, I am rather pissed off.

Do you have any idea how long it has taken me to collect all of my stilettos? No, you don't. Well, I'll tell you: five years. Five YEARS of searching, shopping, and dashing to be first in the check-out line. FIVE WHOLE YEARS of collecting Muggle newspapers for coupons, sales events, and five YEARS of camping out in front of stores to be one of the first one hundred customers.

My wife used to camp out with me, but now that we have a son, one of us has to stay home. So we take turns. Actually, dear, I've been thinking, when he gets old enough, couldn't we take him with us? It could be like a family camping trip with the added bonus of getting new shoes!

Anyway, I have lost five years' worth of hard work. My only consolation is that I was wearing my favourite pink frilly apron, so that's the only thing I'm not going to have to replace.

Oh, you're laughing at me, I know. I realize that you find it slightly odd that a grown man likes to wear high heels and the colour pink. But you know what else? I am happily married. And my wife and I are only closer because of the shopping experiences we share.

And I know that you're all questioning my sexuality behind my back. But I am okay with that. You know why?

Because there is a sale at DSW tomorrow for the first one hundred customers, and I am going to beat ALL of you mudbloods to the check-out counter.

So take THAT.

**Comments**

**vainname: **That's an excellent idea! We could even buy him a little camping outfit and matching fishing hat!  
**1 reply  
stilettos4EVAH: **See? Let's go so we can be _three_ of the first one hundred customers!

**sEnTiEnTtOnGuE: **Two questions, drama queen. One: what are you smoking? And two: can I have some?

**GoodGrammarIsHot: **You do realize that the word 'Mudbloods' should be capitalized, right?  
**1 reply  
tweedledee: **quit talkin nonsens, birdy

**blondie04572: **Want to join me when I replace my conditioner?? I heard you and Cissy were running low. XD ciao  
**1 reply  
stilettos4EVAH: **love to

**bellatricks: **I refuse to believe that such a pansy convinced my baby sister to marry him.  
**1 reply  
PotionsMaster: **Look who's talking. Have you tried to converse with the microbe you married recently?  
**2 replies  
leSTRANGE: **And that's MY baby bro you're referring to, Sev. He's not a single-celled organism. He's just lacking in the intelligence department.  
**bellatricks: **I'll have you know that Rodolphus is one of the most considerate individuals I have ever met. He may not be the smartest man in the universe, but he's certainly more polite than YOU and treats me better than I would have dreamed, considering the way my parents' marriage turned out. You're just jealous that you have to spend your whole life all by yourself.

**DarkLord: **You have no respect for your overlord and master. Those candles were a brilliant idea on my part. It's the Weasley's fault our Headquarters burnt down. Blame them.  
**1 reply  
stilettos4EVAH: **I _tried_, but you all wouldn't let me hex them.

* * *

Thanks to all for reading, and don't forget, the contest is STILL open! Guess seven screennames and request a blog. Even if you don't want to participate, review anyway; if you have time to read this, you have time to review. 

Until next time,

the Queen of Duct Tape


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